Chapter Twenty-Nine: Please Go Away Already

So, the new year rolls in with yet another pregnancy – it bothered me a bit that I learned of the pregnancy in April of 2011, because Angel would have been born this month, but I had to learn to let go for the sake of the new baby. Ah, hormones…and my poor doctor. To be fair, I had asked him after the last two pregnancies to tie my tubes, and he refused. Florida law requires that a woman must have at least two children and be over the age of twenty-one before they can be sterilized. I didn’t mind the idea of having another child – I LOVE being a mother – but what bothered me was the timing, and the man with whom I was going to have a child. I had literally just decided that I was going to break up with him once I got all of my ducks in a row…jeez, I can be stupid sometimes.

So how can I use this to my advantage? Everything happens for a reason, right? Need to figure this out. First off, having another baby would mean I could prove myself as a mother – putting me in a position to take care of my other two, and possibly allowing me to get them back. Second…I know for a fact that Curt would never be in a position to care for this baby, so he could never take it from me. There were a lot of benefits to this…not to mention squishy fat baby cheeks to kiss!

I did the honorable thing in spite of myself, and told Curt that I was pregnant with his child, and he was immediately distraught. He did not want a child. (honestly…works for me) He wanted to go back to school for his B.A. in acting of all things. I told him that was fine, he could still go back to college, and that I would help him get through the paperwork (please just go away as fast as you can!) And the next six months went by without much issue. We worked and came home, I would get things we needed for the baby, and THANK GOD I managed to finally get him to quit smoking in the house. I think, in this time, things were relatively peaceful. Hard to remember the times during which major events didn’t occur.

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So we get to August 2011, and I have Curt completely set up. I got him into a dorm room so he had somewhere to be, had all of his registration and financial aid set up, and got his address changes in order. He got a ride from a mutual friend (the alcohol-in-a-bag guy) out to The University of West Florida in Pensacola.

I couldn’t afford the house by myself, even as cheap as it was, so as soon as Curt was gone, I packed up the entire house in 2 days and moved in with my Aunt, her boyfriend and his daughter in Youngstown. I told her all about what I had going on and she wanted to help. I was finally out of that hellhole and away from Curt – but see, I was an idiot and didn’t want to break up with him just yet because I thought my unborn daughter deserved to know her father, and I was still four months pregnant at the time.

Living with my Aunt was not that bad – what sucked was that her boyfriend had no common sense, took people for granted, and did nothing for the benefit of his 5 year old daughter – who was developing some serious behavior problems that nobody was addressing. I tried to be as good to her as I could be, but being pregnant I had an issue with hormones in response to her trying to cry, when in reality she was just yell-whining really loudly. Add this to the fact that it was a one-acre lot full of crap my aunt’s boyfriend was constantly digging out of dumpsters, nine dachshunds who were not yet house trained, a pregnant horse and a snake? It was complete chaos at that house, and I could not seem to keep up with it well enough.

I got up at 6:00 a.m. every day, took my cousin to her bus stop, fed the horse her ration of hay, pellets, and oats, would sometimes walk her around the yard or to the bus stop and back (I couldn’t ride horses in our pregnant conditions), I would feed the dogs, clean the house, and sit on the computer pretty much for the rest of the day. We were too far into the countryside of the county for me to be within bus range, and I had no working vehicle, so staying in the house was pretty much all I could do. I hated TV and there were not really many books around – not to mention I spent a good few hours fixing my aunt’s computer because of the various viruses and the literal thousands of updates that needed to be taken care of. I also repaired and rewired her internet modem and untangled her mess of cords. I don’t think she minded my using her computer after that. I did manage to have quite a few fun times with my little cousin when she was in a decent mood, though. I learned a lot about patience with behavior issues because of her – which I didn’t know would later come in handy for my son.

Every so often, when his friend could go to Pensacola, Curt would catch a ride back to Panama City to visit, but after a few months he started talking about coming back permanently after the semester was over. I know he was thinking of being here for our daughter’s birth, but I don’t think he realized what he had just said, and I really just did not want to deal with him again.

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