I’m going to back things up just a bit here, because honestly, recalling all of this in proper order is difficult a decade later. So I want to do a *flashback* so-to-speak, to July 9, 2010 – the day after Grim’s birthday.
Grim had come to visit me at my frienemy’s apartment, and Curt was not there at the time. Grim was supposed to go to his mother’s house on the far end of town to watch her animals while she was away. As I could not visit his house, and the apartment in which I lived had literally no privacy, I went with him. I missed him.
I don’t know what possessed us when we arrived, we began talking and just escaping within each other, away from all the problems of the world. We had not been alone together like this following my leave of Gypsy, and the last time we were together without fear was before I had ever even met Gypsy. At this moment, we had reclaimed all we had lost for a single night, and we were both completely lost in it.
I remember getting a tour of the house, sitting on a couch with him, sitting on his lap eventually as he poured out his heart to me, tears streaming down his cheeks. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing him in any more pain because of me – but what could we do? We had no choice. I couldn’t get rid of Curt (no matter how many times I told him that I did not want to be with him) and I was not allowed to live with Grim, where I most desired to be.
I only wanted to be away from my evil, manipulative roommates, and I would not be able to do that if Curt moved out and Grim moved in. I did NOT want Grim in that situation – he would be the only financially stable person in the house, and they would use him terribly. No, not my love. I can take this, and Curt was at the time my scapegoat. I was using Curt, and could not do that to Grim. I could not switch their positions and put Grim into such a predicament.
I know that I had explained this to him, and we had agreed to try and play things out to our favor….but it was Grim’s tears which got to me the most, making me want to throw away everything and just start anew with him. I couldn’t do that, my children are far more important to me, and I can never imagine a life without them. (or Grim, but I know he can be okay, whereas my children might suffer in my absence)
His tears led to my kissing him, both of us crying and silently wishing things were different, casually playing with each other’s hands – that lovely marriage finger we never got to claim…we remembered our secret engagement of 2006, how all our plans were destroyed in part because of me, Gypsy, and even Grim’s own brother. I lowered my head in shame, myself beginning to cry for the loss of such a future.
Grim took my hand and led me to a small room, with a small bed, where eventually we entangled with one another for I don’t even know how long. The dogs in the house began to bark at us, scratching at the door, upsetting all the other animals in the house I could not name at the time. We didn’t care about anything at all in that moment – no one’s opinions or controls were between us, no one knew we were together. No parents or schools or outside influences could touch us now, we were completely free, and I was his, and he was mine, and it was beautiful.
Fast forward to July 19-21, when my son was in the ICU, I began to get carsick.
Then fast forward to August 20 (actually Gypsy’s birthday), and the day I realized I was getting snappy at Grim for no reason at all. The day I found myself wrapping Oreo cookies in American slices of cheese and eating them whole. The day I took the next pregnancy test – at the health department.
It was positive. It was Grim’s baby, without a doubt. I was not going to let Gypsy try to take this away from me, but I was also not going to bring it to Grim without confirmation and proof.
So I set up a doctor’s appointment, with my health department confirmation of pregnancy, and had an ultrasound. I was definitely pregnant – and the heartbeat was strong. I was about 7 weeks along at the time of the appointment, and they gave me a copy of the ultrasound to present to Grim. For me, it was a sign of good things to come. Grim reacted with a hint of fear and worry – but I assured him that I would do everything right and that this could be the key to bringing us back to where we’d always belonged. I told him, for the first time in a long time, that I loved him, and we parted ways in accordance with the plan.
Although I had managed a child with Gypsy, I fully believe deep in my heart that my son is Grim’s child, and I had only ever wanted to have a family with Grim. To have a child who is his, without question, meant the absolute world to me, and I did every single thing the doctor told me. I always had issues remembering, of course, and with having the energy to do it, so I had to set alarms.
But there were other issues at hand which I did not take into account.